From irishexaminer.com
By Jane Cowan
It’s normal for results day not to pan out the way you might have envisioned it
The day before my Leaving Cert results were due to come out, I chopped about 8in off my hair. A bob seemed like a suitable distraction. Because I needed to feel something other than the total nausea that I had thinking about those Leaving Cert results.
It worked for a good hour, while I freaked out about making such a drastic, life-altering decision. Then I quickly returned to my previous state of panic at the thought of receiving grades that I thought would determine the rest of my life.
I had always been a diligent student. I worked hard, never missed a homework assignment, and studied for every class test. In sixth year, I would watch the news in German, just to keep on top of my vocab.
As someone who had always performed well in school, it was expected that I would also achieve highly in the Leaving Cert. It was a pressure I felt from my peers, my teachers, my family, and myself.
Throughout most of my schooling, academic achievement never felt like I had achieved anything. It felt like some sort of minimum requirement. Being able to get good grades had become inextricably wound up in my identity.
Other things that made up my identity seemed less important: being one of four children, having a love for books and films, playing the piano, swimming, having great friends, and cooking for my family. None of those things were as crucial to how I viewed myself as the ability to achieve academically. So it felt like a lot more was riding on my results than getting into college.
That pressure was something I couldn’t really admit to, because admitting to it seemed like saying that I had never been that clever to begin with. For most of sixth year, I didn’t sleep more than five or so hours on any given night. My skin broke out with the stress. I sacrificed my hobbies, in favour of academics. I found it really difficult.
But I was convinced that getting the grades I needed to get into my college course would be this moment of total elation. I thought it would somehow prove that I could live up to the expectations that people had of me. I hoped academic achievement from the Leaving Cert would really count for something.
Still, on the morning I opened my results and realised I would get into the university course I wanted, I couldn’t figure out why I wasn’t happy about it. I had checked all the boxes that I was supposed to. I was looking forward to going to college but I didn’t feel like I had accomplished anything. I was just vaguely relieved that it was all over — but not proud of myself.
Jane Cowan: 'Throughout most of my schooling, academic achievement never felt like I had achieved anything.' Picture: Moya Nolan
Fast-forward to today, and I’m about to enter my final year of college. I’ve reflected a lot on Leaving Cert results day over the years. I’ve learnt a lot about academic validation since then. It’s probably something that happens when you leave school, that you can see life as a lot bigger than academics or any one exam result.
My priorities have shifted. Of course, I still want to do well in college. You’ll often find me spending late nights and early mornings in the library. But I also want to enjoy my life around college as well. I’m no longer waiting for an exam result to tell me how I should feel about myself, something I couldn’t conceptualise for myself on the day of the Leaving Cert results. I didn’t realise that academics being just one area of my life was an option.
I know that today there are students probably feeling how I felt on Leaving Cert results day. Like the achievement you worked towards was underwhelming more than anything. Or maybe you didn’t achieve what you were hoping you would; that can feel like a rupture in your identity. I’ve been there. But over the years, I’ve learned to hold those things with a little more levity. I’ve been rejected for a scholarship in college. I’ve gotten disappointing grades in exams. But once you start to see things that don’t work out as being part of the process, and an inevitable part of everyone’s life, you can gain some perspective. It’s normal for results day not to pan out the way you might have envisioned it.
And despite how it can feel on results day, your whole life hasn’t just been decided. Points aren’t supposed to tell you how you should feel about yourself. In a few years, those grades probably won’t seem all that important.
https://www.irishexaminer.com/lifestyle/people/arid-41690790.html
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