`DISASTER DIARY’ MAKES READER ERUPT IN LAUGHS

From businessinsurance.com

By Kathryn J. Mcintyre

Every new year I receive an assortment of diaries and calendars from business contacts. One of my favourites is a hysterically funny pocket “Disaster Diary” sent by reinsurer TIG Reinsurance.

What could be so funny about a Disaster Diary?

Everything, if the diary is the product of TIG Re Executive Vp Mark Hinkley.

Mark Hinkley is the Mark Russell of the reinsurance business. His witty commentary on the reinsurance business and its celebrities, often sung to familiar tunes, delights attendees of the Angus Robinson Jr. Memorial Golf Tournament every year. He’s also been persuaded by reinsurance crowds to take over a piano bar to share his songs. I’ve never been able to report on these performances, as they are strictly off the record.

But Mark annually goes “on the record” with the TIG Re Disaster Diary, which is sent to brokers, clients and others who appreciate irreverent commentary on the business of reinsurance and inside jokes.

This year’s Disaster Diary is vintage Hinkley.

The “Special Securitization Edition” opens with a dedication to “you pioneers of the sure-fire, supercool and inescapable convergence of old-fashioned reinsurance and high rollin’ high finance. It’s particle physics meets the motor heads. It’s Revenge of the Nerds Part II (Part I was e-mail).”

Under “Warning,” the TIG Re Disaster Diary advises: “DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME or with YOUR OWN MONEY. Leave it to the professionals who know how to discount, compound and obfuscate with other people’s money. They’re the ones smoking the cigars before the deal is closed.”

Fittingly, the Disaster Diary recalls the Reinsurer’s Prayer: “God, grant me the knowledge to understand the gross, the patience to calculate the net, and the wisdom to know the difference. Amen.” God’s reply is reported as: “Let me check with Aon and get back to you.”

The Disaster Diary is so named because the dates of major disasters are noted, from the Dec. 28, 1908, earthquake in Messina, Sicily, to the Jan. 7, 1996, blizzard that struck the Northeastern United States, as well as the wind, hail and tornadoes that hit Denver on July 11, 1990, to name just a few.

Upon closer reading, other notable events are recorded in the fine print: “Jan. 1, 1937: First Reinsurance Transaction. Jan. 2, 1937, First Reinsurance Transaction cancelled mid-term.”

For Elvis Presley fans, his death on Aug. 16, 1977, is noted, as is: “Aug. 23, 1978, Elvis spotted pumping gas in Mobile, Ala.,” and “Aug. 30, 1980, Elvis spotted eating cheeseburgers in Los Angeles.”

And there is more in the back of the diary. Where other diaries offer metric conversion tables and other such reference material, the TIG Re Disaster Diary offers such useful information as “TIG Re Rates the Rags.” I’m proud to report that “Business Endurance” obtains the highest rating of four owls, for its “sizzling ambush journalism.” I won’t report on the other ratings, in case other publishers lack a sense of humour.

The diary also offers a glossary. A few of my favourite definitions are:

*Accident Year: A year like 1997, when satisfactory results were published accidently, because no one checked the math.

*IBNR: I buy no reinsurance.

*Net: Amount of money left after everyone else has leased a Mercedes car and joined a club.

*Nett: English spelling, whereby even less money is left.

*Reinstatement: Hit me again.

There’s more than I have room to report in this column to tickle the funny bone, including, “The Renewal Song,” to be sung to the tune of “Cabaret.”

If you aren’t lucky enough to be on the mailing list for the TIG Re Disaster Diary and I’ve whetted your appetite for more, write to TIG Re in Stamford, Conn. There are still some copies available.

I’m desperately hoping that this is not the final TIG Re Disaster Diary, following the purchase of TIG Holdings Inc. this spring by Fairfax Financial Holdings Ltd. and the subsequent merger of TIG Re into Fairfax’s Odyssey.

If the Disaster Diary dies, that would be a real disaster.

Publisher and Editorial Director Kathryn J. McIntyre’s commentary appears fortnightly.

https://www.businessinsurance.com/disaster-diary-makes-reader-erupt-in-laughs/ 

"We Regret to Inform You That Your Middle School Diary Has Lapsed into the Public Domain"

From mcsweeneys.net

By Andrew Wood

This letter is to inform you (the author) that your intellectual property (middle school diary) has officially entered the public domain due to your failure to secure a copyright for these works.

What does this mean for you?

Essentially, the materials you authored from sixth through eighth grade are now free and available to the populace (everyone) for adaptation, publication, and general enjoyment.

We understand that this notice may elicit certain feelings (confusion, embarrassment, anger), but the copyright services have been available to you at all times. Our records indicate that you took a field trip to Washington, DC, in 2008, which would have been an ideal opportunity to stop by our headquarters and secure the necessary rights.

You may be wondering how these materials came into our possession in the first place. You will recall that during your last visit home, your mother (Sheila) told you she was cleaning out the attic and asked if there was anything you wanted to take. You failed to answer in the affirmative, so the materials were disposed of (dumped into a bin at the local Goodwill), where a copyright field agent is stationed at all times to sort through donations for any sensitive works.

Why are we here at the Copyright Office bothering with seemingly trivial materials like your diary at all? Well, like many of our fellow federal agencies, we have grown concerned with the current (massive) (sweeping) (devastating) government layoffs. So, in an effort to appear more useful and occupied than we typically are, we have expanded our jurisdiction to what we are calling “non-creative civilian works”—i.e., shopping lists, Sticky Note reminders, children’s letters to Santa, and, in your case, diaries.

You will be pleased to hear that your work joins the ranks of other celebrated materials to enter the public domain, including Ulysses, Mrs. Dalloway, and The Great Gatsby. While it may be a tad premature to classify your diary as a “literary classic,” we believe it to be a polarizing work.

We should clarify: In most instances, the materials that come across our desks are swiftly processed and passed along. But in the case of your diary… well…. we just couldn’t put it down.

“New Fall obsession” is the phrase most commonly heard around the water cooler when describing your work. Heartbreak, angst, public humiliation—your diary truly has it all. We even have a weekly book club meeting to pore over the countless juicy details within. I especially love the imagery you use to describe seventh-grade crush Tommy Buchannon’s frosted tips.

You might also be pleased (devastated) to know that several Hollywood studios are interested in adapting your diary for the big screen. In fact, we were able to procure one of the screenplays Sony Pictures commissioned. It makes the bold choice of opening during Trisha McMillan’s sleepover when you called your mom to pick you up after accidentally peeing yourself during that pillow fight.

Unfortunately, you will not be entitled to any compensation or residuals. But having your sordid story come to life for all to see should be rewarding enough. We have included an advance copy of the hardcover edition of your diary, which Simon & Schuster will be releasing this winter. We think the photo of the time you laughed so hard in the school cafeteria that milk came out of your nose makes for a perfect cover. And Margaret Atwood’s blurb—“A devastating portrait of American adolescence”—will certainly move some books.

If you have any questions or concerns, feel free to contact our offices via phone (disconnected) or email (unmonitored).

—The US Copyright Office

https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/we-regret-to-inform-you-that-your-middle-school-diary-has-lapsed-into-the-public-domain

Diary of an ‘Expert’ (She/Her) + boosters 100 per cent masked

From spectator.com.au

By Michael Jackson

Dear Diary,

Well, it’s happened. Deep down I knew it might, but I still can’t believe it. Today, Chris Hipkins (our so-called Prime Minister – ugh I miss Jacinda – total queen!) dropped the last of the Covid restrictions.

There are no more masks in hospitals. No more mandatory isolation. There is not a single Covid rule anywhere. I’m gutted.

Why is he doing this now? I’m so upset. It has only been three-and-a-half years since the government brought in the rules to control the pandemic FFS! As I’m writing this, I just read on one of my science WhatsApp groups that there’s a new variant doing the rounds (eek!). I understand little of the detail, but it looks like we should mask up immediately!

Why doesn’t the Prime Minister understand that we should be increasing restrictions, not removing them? Sure, nearly everyone has had Covid, but there is always a new variant to fear, like, properly fear. And millions of Kiwis still haven’t bothered to get their fourth or even their third boosters. So lazy. So uncaring. I cannot comprehend why they want to, like, literally put me in danger. Why can’t they #BeKind?

Actually, that reminds me – this morning I overheard an unmasked guy (probably late 30s) on the bus telling a friend how he’d had Covid in October 2021. He was being all macho and pretending he hadn’t been too unwell. He was talking all sorts of rubbish – like vaccines don’t stop transmission and masks don’t work. He was even banging on about how he now had ‘natural immunity’!?! As if that is a thing. Check the dictionary, they updated it, bro.

He said to his mate that ‘on balance’ he didn’t feel he needed to get the vaccine. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. Probably should have reported him. As if people like him could actually weigh up the evidence? We are the experts, not you! He is one of those that did his own research cookers…

Also – what about getting it to protect other people, buddy!? Jeez the stupidity of these people. Typical Covidiot!

Anyway, it doesn’t make sense. Is this about the election? Media attention? Votes? The election is only 8 weeks away. I’ve told him (and Jacinda – ugh I miss her so much) till I’m blue in the face how dangerous Covid still is and that we should keep masks and isolation mandates in place forever to save people from all the other respiratory diseases. It’s not just Covid. There’s like … the flu. Masking just seems like a better way to live. So, what’s he up to? Why isn’t he listening? I hope he isn’t putting politics before science…

Diary… I miss 2020 sooooo much. 2023 feels so different – I don’t like it. I remember the early days of 2020 when people listened to the experts and did what we told them. Seeing all those people masked-up at the supermarkets and avoiding each other while outdoors made me feel so proud to live in Aotearoa.

People aren’t wearing masks at the supermarket anymore. They’re not even wearing them on buses (gross!). Like, how hard can it be? Don’t they care about other people?

The worst of it is, the media are talking about other things. And Labour haven’t called to ask for my opinion. What happened to the polls? I mean… I’ll keep posting on Twitt-I mean X. But it is totally overrun with #freedumb fighters.

I keep posting because my opinions are important and needed, now more than ever. It’s not like MSM bothers talking about Covid these days! All the media seem to care about is the economy and the cost-of-living crisis (thanks for nothing, Mr Putin!). I just don’t get it…? Covid hasn’t gone away, people!

I had a phone call with ‘A’ earlier today. He’s even more distraught. He put his heart and soul into the past 1,240 days, keeping to every rule, telling others to wear masks, and for what? Sure, he got a lot of government funding and some awards, but still! He’s terrified National (boooo!!) will win the election and form a government with ACT (double boooo!!!) and that they will simply stop talking about Covid. It’s my fear as well. People need to know the pandemic isn’t over. Sure, the WHO says it is, but we know better. We did our own research. It never will be! Eek. I hope the WHO aren’t putting politics before science as well? Do they have elections?

A and I also chatted about the future. TBH, I hadn’t thought much about the future. I thought Covid was my future! We agreed we needed to keep doing everything we can to keep Covid at the forefront of people’s minds, forever, aggressively, because, well, it’s the right thing to do! At least we have the Covid inquiry to look forward to. It’ll be great to have Covid back into the spotlight again where it belongs. A also suggested we should start writing about other crises, like global climate collapse. He reckons our Covid management experience and science communication skills are needed. We could make a huge difference to the world and people’s lives in these areas too.

Anyway – time to sign off. I’m going to a socially distanced slam poetry event this evening with friends. I need to find my portable air purifier (I hope I didn’t leave it at work?) and decide which mask to wear. Maybe I should wear the smiley-face one? It’ll hide how sad I am.

https://www.spectator.com.au/2023/08/diary-of-an-expert-she-her-boosters-100-per-cent-masked/